Thinking Of Divorce?
By Bart Sharp
I recently received a call from a client who is considering divorcing. The marriage was not an abusive situation and no one was committing any moral crimes such as adultery. My client was sad because what she wanted in marriage was not there in this relationship. She was asking me for advice.
There were a few things I told her. First write a list of 8 things you find important in your life such as: things that you would like to achieve, emotional expectations you wish to have in intimacy, creative endeavors etc…. List out the most important qualities and narrow it down to 8. Then write out if your partner is willing to support you, absent in the process or working against you. If you have at least 4 they are in the negative of not supporting you or working against you, consider divorce as you will most likely not be able to live a fulfilling life.
Taking the process deeper, asking questions about what is my part in creating the separation in each of these 8 areas. It may be that they are in resistance to you fulfilling a dream because there is something you are doing they are resenting. We know what each of our parts is regaining a clarity of the dynamics.
I was recommending to my friend to read each of the 8 areas in the asking the question, “What is my part in this creation that I am not getting?” It is amazing when we asked the questions, thoughts arise. When the thoughts arise, write them down. Not judge the thoughts but look at them with curiosity. If you are willing to be wrong in the relationship, have shortcomings your mind will relax a little in the most profound thoughts, your unconsciousness. Most likely, a closer connection to the truth will come. This process is not about finding who was right or wrong but what is actually going on.
We begin to see how our resistance to them creates the separation they have through not supporting us. If we change will they be changing as well? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. After doing this process my friend decided to talk to her husband bringing up what she desires, acknowledging her part and seeing if her husband could be open to changing. They decided to stay together and work it out.
The key out putting it out on the table in a situation that could easily blow-up in is to be caring and sincere. Even if the marriage is rocky there is a basis of love somewhere the person presenting must remember the loving places then find their: sincerity, kindness and willingness to change, to be wrong when expressing their dissatisfaction. A kind honesty not brutal if reconciliation is to be given a chance.