The Judgment And Limitation Of Loneliness

The Judgment And Limitation Of Loneliness
body consciousnes
By Bart Sharp

Judgment can stop our life in its tracks especially in an issue such as loneliness. Living alone and retired is one of life’s greatest gifts. A clean slate of time to create whatever you desire. I was sitting on the precipice of this lifestyle looking out to all of my possibilities and still not knowing exactly how to field my time. It was all there I just was not ready for it, used to having so much free time for myself.

It really left me with too much time for my mind to wander. Reflecting is a healthy thing but in this case it was paid for some of the time due to the judgments I was placing on myself. One of the most intense judgments are placed on myself with the fact that I was living alone and did not have a wife or girlfriend.

I was quite creative in the judgments I was giving myself such as: ” You have so few friends.” Of course this was not true I’ve had friends all my life. I lost contact with some and others just seem to not interest me anymore. However I did have friends and the ones I had were good ones that I had cultured a healthy closeness. It was these top or rationales that I had to use to counter my judgments.

However, the judgment that something must be wrong with me because I am living alone without a partner still haunted me. It was true I would like to partner or girlfriend it just was not working out. The problem with being more aware is that you’re aware work acutely of what doesn’t work with you in a relationship with another person. And yes there’s always things that do not work for you with another person that’s a part of life.

There was just something screwy about this judgment on myself, almost like I was a failure for not having a partner at my age of 53. As I reflected on this concept of the wrongness of being alone and knowing feeling it left him my lower intestines I listen to my inner voices that told me of the messages my fears were expressing. It was a simple thing to do for me I could just pay attention to the gnawing feeling in my lower intestines and thoughts seem to come from that location while my attention was there.

The one judgment that seem to really resonate was, “ It is the most awful thing in the world to die alone.”

As this thought rolled through my intestines into my thinking mind I thought, “ Where the hell did that come from?”

It certainly felt like my family, there was always a pretense of the worst-case scenario that they love to talk about. Stimulating conversation that left the children in suspense of how miserable adulthood must be. I just thought of that statement of dying alone and the fear of it, it simply felt like my family. Just knowing inside of me knew it, that was enough for me.

The real question was, “ Who was it exactly that said that?”

After a few moments the memory came back, it was one of my aunts who regularly discussed situations that scared her the worst; and they were there were many. I felt like I had heard them all, she was my worrisome aunt. I can remember clearly now of her saying how she wanted to foster loyalty from her children so that they would be with her when she died. Stating how awful it would be to die alone. As I listened to this as a child I took it in and somehow created it as my own. I never really believed fully what my aunt had to say; maybe it’s because I resisted so it became a part of my unconscious. Now it was out in the open and the truth was revealed.

As I thought about death there are many cultures with a person goes out and dies alone. Going to the woods are off on a mountaintop to meet their maker in this solitary transition. That seemed okay with me. The thing with my aunt seemed to invest a lot of stress and obligation in her life. When I die I’m just okay not being a burden on anyone but just making my way down the road. A road that will show me what is next on a remarkable journey of spirit.

Just like that! I felt free of this judgment that is wrong for me to be alone. No fears of being single, GONE! In fact it was awesome being alone to do whatever I pleased; what a wonderful option I was giving myself. What a wonderful gift I was giving to the world as during this time as I would be meditating and clearing myself of as many limitations as possible. I would be a greater presence interacting with this world and therefore being in a greater gift to all of those around me. Loneliness no longer is an issue, one more weight dropped.

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