By Bart Sharp

When people are raised in homes where they are shamed by their parents to such an extreme degree they grow-up in a state of toxic shame, (being shamed to such a degree that if effects someone in significant ways).  One-way people who grow up in a toxic shame environment is living in a defensive position in all interactions.

Someone who I never relish spending time with but fate puts me with them is the person who is always right.  I know someone embodies this.  As I hear the stories of his life it is an ongoing barrage of his great achievements and insights.   The man is never wrong or at least shares it.  Looking at his life of ongoing conflicts with co-workers, alcoholism and a failed marriage there is plenty of room for growth.  Why isn’t this person seeing their shortcomings and putting the focus there?

The reason being is that this person has defended his life from the point of view that he is right and leaves little room for admitting mistakes.  When we acknowledge our shortcomings we open to a new possibility of seeing something new in our selves; how we made the mistake.  As long as we are right we will never see a different possibility.

In some respects being wrong is a power to move beyond our old self and into something greater.  Being willing to admit our wrongness creates vulnerability, an opened state.  We see so much more.  When the ‘right minded person’ has a conflict it usually means that the other person has to confess their wrongness for the confrontation to be resolved.  It usually is a defensive struggle of position and verbal force instead of exploration and growth.

Anyone who is an inventor knows mistakes are a part of the process before the great discovery is found.   However, many people lose this perspective when relating to them selves, their defenses automatically go up when there is a slight possibility of them being label as wrong.  Like the person I know, their fear of being accused that they are lesser than another is huge inside of them.  In this case the insanity of toxic shame creates the unconscious fear that if you are found wrong a great humiliation will happen.  That fear lurks inside of them influencing the person to defend them selves by being right at all costs. An unconscious underlying fear created from childhood that existed in a toxic shame environment.  When we begin to look at the ways we had to defend ourselves in a shaming home environment we start freeing ourselves from our unconscious patterns.

Book Review

By Bart Sharp

Healing The Shame That Binds You By John Bradshaw is a classic book written over twenty years then revised in 2005.  It is the most comprehensive book covering an emotional topic of shame in known publication.  Practicing Therapy for over thirty years Bradshaw saw that the shame his clients experienced from their parents was the underlying consideration that was the basis of their dysfunctional behaviors.  The more Bradshaw facilitated his clients to process and grow out of their shamed self they experienced wholeness.

In its most basic definition shame is the act of perceiving yourself as less than others.  It is a condition that many children are taught by their parents in numerous from the most direct expressions of parents belittling their children to more subtle forms.  Once the child believes that they are a lesser person it affects how they love them selves and others, as well as what they achieve in life.

The beauty of the book begins with Bradshaw’s in depth descriptions of how shame is created with a variety of case studies.  He is generous in sharing the work of other scholars perspectives making the text the most comprehensive of its topic.  Alice Miller’s work is noted throughout chapters.

One of the areas that the book excels in is the variety of strategies that therapists and psychologist have used to treat shame-based disorders.  That is one of the beauties of the revision of this text are some of the new modalities of therapy that Bradshaw covers.

This topic is one that reaches very close to the author’s heart as he grew up in a shamed based home.  John tells his own story in various segments of the book revealing in detail the arduous journey he took to recover from his pain.

If you have issues with anger, depression, addiction, control, assertiveness and countless more challenges you most likely would benefit from reading this book.  List price $14.95, 300 pages.

By Bart Sharp

I have a friend who always asks for help from her angels throughout the day.  What ever the situation requires she asks for her angel’s assistance whether it be organizing a schedule, coordinating co-workers to their duties or cleaning her home.  She assigns angels to the jobs she does.  Regardless of the task it is always more easily accomplished. She still does the physical work.  The angels seem to move obstacles that exist on another plane that inhibit us here.

Other people pray to god for assistance.  It seems to be a great help for them.  Even if god speaks in a silent voice and is a passive participant people who pray believe that asking for help makes a big difference.

It is also common for people to ask other people for assistance.  Direct help is available for those who ask for it.  In most cases people love to help others.  They feel more connected to society and other people when they help their fellow man.

However for many people there is a resistance to ask for help.  There is a variety of reasons why people do not ask from being independent, pride, isolation or feel they do not deserve it.  The unconsciousness to not ask feels like an old habit of isolation that is so deep within that it is an intrinsic response.

For many there are underlying influences directing them not to ask for assistance.  To maintain a attitude of separation is the way for the person feeling less worthy.  It comes from a belief that they deserve the suffering.  This false perception that they do not deserve comes from a fear that is generally originates from experiences in their past.  A feeling that they are wrong and lesser than.  Receiving help creates a vulnerability to another through the exchange from the fear that they are found out as inadequate (as their fears have told them time and again).

For many who hold these fears that they are lesser, one of the worst outcomes of that particular fear would be having confirmation from another that they are that inadequate.  As crazy as the concept sounds it is what holds many from connecting to others for assistance (Being judged as less than).

As I mentioned earlier the source of such sabotaging points of view is something that people learned a long time ago in childhood.  Its source is most likely from being shamed by their parents.  The messages parents give to their children that they are less, un-welcomed, unwanted or wrong for what they do affect children trough their adult lives.  Children hold those beliefs.  Then they begin the process of feeling separate and inadequate.

These shaming fears develop into something the child and adult wish to avoid.  They most likely learn from their parents that asking for help will mean criticism or punishment of some form.  Therefore as adults they create themselves separate from others so connecting to others by asking for help triggers the shamed person to old shaming fears from their parents.

The more we realize our fears and how they began we are more able to learn new patterns.  Our relationship with god, angels and people will change.  We will be more willing to receive everything that life has to offer including help.

By Bart Sharp

When we begin the journey of finding our past, discovering our shame, anger, beliefs of inadequacy we open to an inner power and magical life within us.

Mary Ann told herself that she could not take it anymore.  The working housewife felt taken for granted by her husband, high school aged son and daughter for her years of being a caring and loving mother and wife.  Mary Ann’s husband worked long hours at his business to come home tired.  Her children wanted independence and were striking out on their own. Now when she tried to help, each family member appeared to be resistant to Mary Ann intervening in his or her own way. Mary Ann had always been actively involved in her family’s lives and she felt an absence in herself due to her diminished role.  It had a cold and lonely feeling that felt hauntingly familiar to her past.

It was a fearful feeling of being moved out of her position of necessary mother to needed less that brought the fearful black feeling in Mary Ann’s stomach.  It felt so strongly because she had experienced that kind of sadness many times before as a child.  Mary Ann grew up in a household with a demanding father and a very passive mother who let Mary Ann become the mother of the household at an early age in a variety of ways.  Mary Ann seemed to be more ‘with it’ than her mother in knowing what was needed to be done.

It was not a truly satisfying position because Mary Ann became the household manager to ensure sanity and safety for her own life.  The motivation was out of fear, as Mary Ann was always on guard that her father would explode in rage or her mother would not provide what the family needed.

With that as her base experience in care taking Mary Ann found less joy in marriage and raising her children because the doubts of her past always influenced her to question or doubt herself.   Mary Ann’s resume as a caretaker was extensive, (she had done it all of her life).  Yet she always doubted her abilities.  Everyone in her family sensed this in some way and trusted Mary Ann less than she deserved.

Now at age forty with her children almost raised and her husband committed to an ever demanding schedule Mary Ann was uncertain what to do next.  She sought help.  One of the things she found was a few simple tools to guide her and over time, changed her life.

Mary Ann had learned that she had a variety of incidents in her childhood that were unresolved and these pains needed to healed.  The first stage was to identify and write the stories of her life and the wounds.  Mary Ann began this introspective process most every morning.

Through the process of writing Mary Ann created a vision of what it was like to be her as a child.  She had almost forgotten the patterns that she has previously created.  Now that they were in her present adult mind she could see how that little girl lived in fear and found caretaking as her protective device.  As a regular exercise Mary Ann would visualize the little girl that she once was sitting in her own lap.  She would visualize holding the girl and would tell her what she thought her little girl wanted to hear the most such as; “that she was loved, she was not responsible for everyone, she always was enough for her father”.

At first this exercise sounded silly but through time Mary Ann realized that the best person to give her love was her-self.  She needed to be caring and kind to her child self as well as her adult self.  Each time she nurtured her child self sometime felt more complete in her adult perspective.

A second practice that Mary Ann began is spending at least one hour a day doing something that was nurturing for her.  It might be gardening, art, walking on nature trails, decorating but the activity usually involve some aspect that was creative and stimulated that curious and aware spirit of Mary Ann.  Most importantly it was an activity that was done exclusively for her heart’s desire.  This was something Mary Ann never seemed to do before.  As she developed her repertoire of activities she began to think in ways of pleasing herself instead of the ever continual mind-think of how I can make my children’s, husband’s and parent’s life better.

Within a matter of months Mary Ann’s family began to notice mom was different.  She no longer seemed to be hovering over them.  Her children began to relax more around her.  Mary Ann was still available for them but through her family’s request.  They began to be attracted to Mary Ann because she was more fulfilled and fun.  Mary Ann had her own life to be excited about.

Mary Ann no longer is fed up.  She found that could look back at her life in curiosity and not fear.  At the age of forty she was ready for her own special adventures.

By Bart Sharp

One of the greatest sources of addiction, illness and depression is anger.  The conflicts with parents we have at an early age that are left unresolved are often the source of our ‘dis ease’.  The relationship often has love with a lie attached wherein the reoccurring suffering began.

Seamus was the oldest of four children and was seen as the favored child of his father.  As the oldest son he enjoyed a particular closeness to his father and often trailed his dad around their farm.  The relationship between father and son was for most part very close.  However there were times that the father would become very demeaning with Seamus for no apparent reason saying things such as, “I’m tired of looking at you, get out of here.”

The world of the six-year old boy would be devastated.  There was no consolation for the unexpected rejection from his father.

For the father he would become overwhelmed with the responsibility of providing and managing a family.  Times were tough and he felt the weight of the whole world on his shoulders.    As much as the father tried to be a positive leader he would react in negative aggressive ways to his children.  Much like the ways his own father treated him.  Seamus’ father swore he would never treat his children in that manner but found himself doing the things he had hated in his father.

For Seamus the shaming from his father at first made him feel desperately low.  The young boy would push his feelings aside continue in his normal routines.  In time Seamus stopped reacting in a suppressed passive tone but would express his negative feelings with his siblings.  He began to bully his younger brother and sisters.

Through the years an ever changing relationship of love and hate type of relationship developed between Seamus and his father.  At times they were very close but there were always incidents of conflict between the two usually resulting in verbal intimidation and physical punishment.  Seamus seemed to always create incidents to draw the trouble to him as if he wanted the conflict.

As an adult Seamus married.  He and his wife fought like he did with his dad.  It appeared that the couple could always find a new topic to disagree about or recreate an issue that they had not resolved.  Instead of seeking help from an outside source to find peace Seamus chose to numb his pain through drugs and/or alcohol.  It only made his problems worse.

The real addiction in Seamus’ life was anger.  He unconsciously either created conflicts with those he loved the most or found reasons to confront co-workers, friends or sometimes strangers.  In each incident Seamus found a justification of why to confront the person usually with the point of view that he was right and they were wrong.

Seamus would say that he did not like being angry.  Much like the conflicts he had with his father, he seemed to be a magnet for conflict.   A few times became physically violent.  He hated those fights.  However he continued to find himself pulled back in the fray once again.  At age fifty Seamus’ anger resonated in him almost all of the time, if he was not in a direct conflict Seamus was resentful of others in his life.  Having the fights never resolved the conflict so that he could permanently put those memories away.   The fights seemed to recreate a greater struggle in himself.

The source of Seamus pain was not with his wife, family or co-workers but back when he was a child.  It is the hurt caused from his father who belittled and shamed him with physical punishment and harsh criticism.  Then the father showed his son love by doing things together.  It was a conflictual message that anger and punishment were a part of love.  Seamus took this message and demonstrated it in his adult life with those he loved. However it did not bring him happiness.

As much as he tried Seamus could not break his cycle of anger.  It was the shame he experience from his father that was the original source of his anger.  The anger was only a reaction to his feelings of rejection from the person he wanted to please the most.

Since Seamus could not directly express his anger towards his father he created a pattern to express his aggression onto others.  He built years of rationales or judgments of ways he could be triggered into anger.  Life for Seamus had become a painful ongoing re-creation of his past angst to unconsciously dominate his life.

For Seamus the most beneficial therapy may be an invitation to that child part of himself to feel those feelings again and grieving his rejections.  Doing Access Energy work could be beneficial in that it can help Seamus release some of the repetitive patterns stuck in his body, cellular memories. It would be a process of identifying the stories of being shamed and angry, then feeling those experiences in his body.  Once the body memories have been identified the energetic releases of Access can create a permanent release of the painful memories.  The clearings would benefit Seamus in that he would not be triggered to react in anger.  Through multiple sessions Seamus would not be carrying the load of negative unresolved emotions and he could feel more freedom to experience life in a more joyful way.

The longer we hold onto anger and shame it will eventually create some kind of illness within us (physical and/or emotional).  If it is suppressed it is often held in places like our colon, intestines, kidneys, solar plexus and more.  The “dis ease” of these unresolved emotions is often the source of stress in our body parts that create disease in our body.

Some children may feel underneath others or shamed; from their brothers, sisters and friends.   They desperately want them to be liked, cared for or played with.  There is something of an intrinsic value that this needy child could not identify in them selves that makes them feel separate from or less than others. It is  a reality of shame that they have been labeled or projected onto by their caretakers.

The needy child seeks this unknown quality in others through winning their approval and attention.  This child would even compromise them self in order to get attention.  They would play the subserviate role in order to form friendships with others.  In the end it is a dis-satisfying relationship and reinforces the belief that something unknown is still lacking in this child with less.  They are seeking an internal gift that none of their siblings or friends could give to them.

In the beginnings of an infant’s life when the parents receive their child into the world they can look at the child with love and excitement, through that a transference occurs.  The baby is given a flame of love.  It is an energy that comes within the mother and father and through their caring, love and hope.  The gift is then set to grow.

The flame gives the child strength and an inner well-being.  A spirit evolves inside to explore and thrive.

If the infant is brought into the world without the gifts of love and kindness the child interprets this as their own fault.  A conclusion is drawn that there is something wrong with them.  Not on an intellectual level but something deep inside is wounded.  The inner flame is not nurtured and built upon by the parents.

There are many aspects of this gift the parents have for the child.  Some children are literally unwelcome, others are loved but the parents are not fully committed to be a mother or father.  Some parents carry significant wounds themselves so there is less presence in caring and loving to give to the infant.  The baby does not comprehend these aspects they sense the deficiency inside the parents and take the blame on them selves.

When a baby comes into the world they are the essence of joy.   As they grow into infancy the happiness that they are is an expression of love that is close to divine and at the same time innocent.   It is the child’s gift that they have to give to their parents and the world.  It is healing for the parents to receive their baby as they can be inspired of this pure love that they once were.  It also reaffirms to the infant or child that they have value, giving them encouragement to share of them selves out into the world.

If the child is not acknowledged of their gift of love and are not affirmed something begins to sour. They eventually begin to buy into their parents beliefs that the world is not a magical place.  The child believes that they are not magical.  The flame inside falters and the child begins to believe in the adult world of a lack of love.  Most importantly the child feels shame that they were incapable of making a difference.

The dampening of the flame that shame is associated with can be created during various stages of an infant’s life.  Some children are shamed in every stage of development where as others are limited to a few stages.  As the shame is repressed into memory the frustration begins to impact the heart and soul of the child.  The shame begins to take various forms of expression such as anger, passive aggressive behaviors, depression, resentments, lack of confidence, lack of inner direction and more shame.  The child becomes an adult carrying these limitations into everyday life.

The process of healing begins in exploring these limitations and discovering your story.  It is the cognitive realization of what happened in your life.  It is the therapy of finding how your emotional wounds were created.  Recognizing our past is essential in healing.

To go discover a deeper resolve is a process of uncovering shame deeper than the mind but body memories.  This process begins in understanding how it occurred by recalling the stories of our shamed life.  Next as you recall the stories feel how our body is reacting when we relive the incidents.   The energy of our limitations is stored into our body.  Each memory that we have judged as bad or wrong is stored in our body.  It never really goes away.  For most it is a life of suppressing these experiences so that they are not felt.

There is something very powerful in exploring the past.   You can re-live the experience feel where it is occurring in your body.  For example while you review an experience you may feel the anger that you suppressed in your stomach or an anxious feeling in your heart or a thick heavy sensation in your lower intestines.  It is the energetic memory of the incident.  It is important to fully feel this energy, get accustomed to it and recognize it as an integral part of you.

When you feel the experience your body often is recreating what it was feeling back in the original experience.  It can be intense.  It is important not to judge it but to experience it.  It is what we did not process it fully back then otherwise it would not be such a traumatic experience.  Allowance is the key in resolving shaming events of your past.  Letting the infant or child or your past to have these feelings under a nurturing and non-judging presence by your adult-self. Patiently contemplate the perceptions that occur while you are present with this past memory.

When we discover and release our past shame we begin to create a new perspective in how we see ourselves in the world.  Releasing the secret underlying messages that we are less and cannot achieve our dreams unleashes a more authentic self that can receive all of life more easily.  We can change the basis of our beliefs and limitation and manifest our lives differently.

Bart Sharp is an Access Facilitator who specializes in helping others release suppressed emotions such as shame on energetic memory level.  Through this experience Bart has witnessed people making dynamic changes in their lives through private sessions and learning techniques to clear their limitations on their own.  Bart resides in Austin Texas and works with people in person or by phone.