By Bart Sharp

I was talking to a woman who was telling me she could not understand why her boyfriend was so cruel to her. As she told her story it appeared she was accurate in her boyfriend did do things that were mean and dishonest. However the young woman continued to try to do nice things for him as a way to convince him to treat her better.  She felt he was a more loving man that his actions showed.

There are several things that are misidentifications in the story and the most important one is the young woman cannot change the man by treating him as perfectly as possible. This is a strategy that she most likely learned as a child with a parent that mistreated or abused her.

In a child’s wisdom they see if they can only do everything to make the parent happy, calm and reassure them so the child will receive some kind of approval and/or sane family life. As a child this was probably a brilliant strategy because they are stuck with the parent as he/she cannot get a new person to take care of them that is kind and loving. These children had parents that the child had to contort or distort their own genuine love in order to get love. They could not be themselves. Therefore the child does the kindest things possible to make sure the parent was happy. These kids are quite good at it as it is the only way to survive in an unhappy home environment.

As adults these same children never feel complete in themselves because they were not taught by a loving parent that they were valued and worth loving. In this unconsciousness this neglected adult/child seeks a partner that is much like their parent. The primary reason is because it is what they know and secondary is an unconscious attempt to resolve their relationship with her parents through this new lover. For these abused people they most likely re-create the cycle again and again never believing that they were good enough in the relationship. The fact is they give way too much to this new, abusive adult.

It is a complicated process to learn new ways to attract a relationship that has healthy patterns and is loving. For starters the abuse adult/child most likely does not know what healthy patterns look like and they most likely see a healthy person as boring or unattractive. The person that is bent towards abuse or evil is much more stimulating.

To begin with the adult/child has to begin looking at their old patterns, the behaviors of their lovers and those of their parents. Clarity to see how we’ve created these relationships is paramount. This is a complex process. I find keeping a journal or notebook to document our observations of these areas of her life is the most important starting block.  Spending a part of life alone rediscovering who we are and new way to relate to intimate partners. A process of seeing our past and reinventing a new way to relate. Then step-by-step they begin to attract somebody else in their life that is more loving and different in new ways than the partners or parents of the past.   These new people are most likely more evolved in a different way.

By Bart Sharp

All too often we reflect upon a painful relationship, we begin to think about the good parts, the bad parts, what the other person did to hurt us and other things.  We generally try to resolve most things in our heads, to figure out what happened, to find why and how we created the painful relationship.  The story goes on and seems to never end.  How do we find our freedom from living in this distress?

Two perspectives give us more freedom from the painful relationship.  First we have to confront what we did to create that kind of relationship in the first place.  When we realize the dynamics of what we created, the roles we played in the relationship and how we did that, we open us to a new perspective.  We have to find out what our part was and come to terms with it.  Generally when we discover our limitations we receive a surge of joy in our completion.

We never find our epiphanies through finding fault in the other person.  That is their responsibility not ours.

Second when we can let go of the stories of what was good and bad about the relationship and let go of those judgments we made of the other and ourselves and look at what we gained in the development of what we learned in our heart we gain our biggest resolution.  We look to see how much we grew in our ability to love another, we begin to open inside.  This is the real stuff that we created the relationship for in the first place.  It is what our heart and soul grew into and learned in the relationship.  It is why we love, to grow in heart.

When we embrace this perspective it leads us to gratitude to have experienced something so precious.  After this the anguish is never as heavy or feels the same.  We acknowledge the real truth of us in that our essence is love.

By Bart Sharp

I recall one of my friends years back talking about a great new guy they had met.  He seemed to be just perfect.  As we talked it was all she wanted to discuss in of the possibilities the relationship was going to become such as: how much fun they would have, traveling together would be wonderful because he had such a good sense of humor and her father was sure to like him.  My friend was projecting into the fantasy of what it would be like with this new fascination.  Somewhere she sending a part of her energy to fantasize into creating a reality with this man.  Unfortunately what she was creating was not in the here and now.

Fantasies can be one of our biggest stumbling blocks because they are often to always not creating our life with them.  To fantasize can take us to places that is not about creating something in this reality.  What my friend missed with the fantasy was creating the future dreams to make her become excited.  To fantasize in order to charge up our adrenal glands is not a good ideal.  In fact it can become an addictive pleasure.  How much do people live in their fantasies and send a large part of their power to manifest in these unreal worlds?  Anyone read about Walter Mitty?

Instead of the world to fantasize we can visualize.  For example for those in love: what it felt like to be with the person, how it made their heart feel.  Then to take the feeling and let that sensation be with us.  It is not so much that the other person makes us feel that way but us remembering that warm love within us.   Most importantly to know we can live that love every day, regardless if we have a boyfriend.  It is why feeling like a million bucks in our personal life and being satisfied with the person we are will attract money to us.  We are communicating to ourselves and a higher source we are the energy of love or money, therefore it comes to us easier and we deserve it.

Even if we do adore someone; sharing with a friend the qualities that you like about the person, the experiences you had together and how you felt resonates the energy in the present, it supports our vision. As soon as we project how it will be in the future we begin to fantasize.  Placing our attraction for someone as just an energy and we are willing to let it grow from there is a visualization.  We are placing our energy and intention into something we desire, the difference is we our not into the outcome, we are putting the energy into the present creation.  Then we go about doing the things that best manifest it.   A much more powerful place.

By Bart Sharp

There was a period in my life that I was sad, flat depressed about a woman breaking up with me.  During this stressful time about twenty years ago I found that I could not let the relationship go and it dominated my inner thoughts.   Everyday was the same perpetual onslaught of negativity of the loss, I dreaded each encounter with it.  I had no clue how to let this painful relationship go.

One day I was in a college class sitting with a friend during a break who happened to be talking to another woman They shared memories of working together as waitresses in a local Mexican restaurant.  They were recalling the old days of work together and were catching up on the lives of former workmates as I listened to their conversation feeling quietly sorry for myself being in such misery.   The women brought up one of their co-workers commenting that he had broken both his legs.  One responded, “Oh you know Frank nothing ever gets him down, a week later he was back at work!”

As the two gals laughed at the comment it jolted me into a firm realization.  “Here I was feeling sorry for myself about the loss of a girlfriend while this guy breaks both of his legs and moves on with his life.”  I soon got it to start living again, to go out and meet others.  Also to monitor my own behaviors for there on I would not allow myself such self-pity for such a painful relationship.

What I know now is if I would have allowed myself time to grieve this loss of relationship and processed my feeling about it.  I would have moved through the down time much quicker.

Instead I relived the pain of it through avoiding it. Now, I asked myself some simple questions,

“What are the emotions I am feeling about this?”

“Is this angst I am experiencing from the present or is it influenced by the past?  If it is the past what relationship of the past is being recreated through this relationship now?”

“What part am I playing in this?”

“How is this person like one of my parents?”
“What is it about them that keeps drawing me into a situation that is not good for me?”

“What need am I trying to have fulfilled through this relationship?”  “Is it related to one of my parents?”

Asking these types of questions stimulates us to find more clarity about the dynamics of the situation.   Allowing ourselves to feel inside while we ask these questions often stimulates us to find productive answers.  It is important not to resist or judge any responses as we just wish to have the information and clarity.  We can begin to see what patterns we have created.

One of the great things about relationships in whatever phase it is currently in, the relationship is a mirror to see the limitations the person is creating in our lives through their interactions with us.   Our friendships and close relations generally reflect to old patterns that we are continuing to resolve and hone to a more satisfying relation.  Through this ongoing tool we learn to have easier and more joyful relationships and know that some people are not what we wish to re-live again.  As once we have a awareness of a pattern we see the problems coming and then choose not to go into it or not to play the same defeating roles we once did.

Foremost first we have to the courage to ask what the unconscious problem is and explore our relationship patterns.  Finding the clarity of the dynamics of what is occurring in a painful relationship can give us the freedom to have something better.

Questions To Ask About A Painful Relationship

By Bart Sharp

I was once in a painful relationship and did not know which direction to take of staying or leaving.  Like most relationships there are happy and painful aspects within it so it is difficult to know what is the best decision for the future of the sometimes pained relationship.

I was given some great relationship advice that helped me go beyond the box that I created.  I was told to write out five to eight of the most important things that I wish to become or am creating in my life.  These are my most valued life ambitions or lifestyle choices of who I am and what I am working towards.

Next I looked at each point and decided if my partner would allow me and/or actively support me in becoming that person.  If I have one or two ambitions that we are both not actively together, the relationship might be able to endure it.  However if there are more than two aspects the relationship would most likely not work, resulting in me having to shrink myself to such a degree in the relationship that I could not be happy.  My self worth would diminish if I stayed in the painful relationship.

This exercise gave me real clarity of how I could not stay and why.  In fact I realized how much I wanted her to change when the reality was she was never going to evolve the way I wanted her to become.  It was an illusion that I was creating that she would change for me in a big way.  She actually would only adjust to meet my needs a tiny bit.  In a decision that was made entirely for me I left the relationship.

This exercise has helped me learn more of what I desire and do not wish for in a relationship.  My clarity can empower me in some big ways.

By Bart Sharp

Two friends Todd and Jerome were at the seemingly at the end of their relationship.  They created a business together and after almost five years had run its course to a dismal end.  There was numerous levels of blame to go around to each party and both men resented the mistakes the other had made.  Not only was the business ending but the friendship was on the last ends of disravel.

It seemed like both young men could tell the habits and moves of how the other made their business recede.

First was Jerome’s ongoing flirtation with customers as he was going way over the line contended Todd.

Jerome responded Todd’s too anal analytic approach always made customers feel he was incompetent as Todd made sure every account was checked twice making their clients wait too long for services.  It made Todd look insecure.

Todd felt that Jerome’s personal life intertwined with the business too much.  When his former girlfriend came into the office and accused Jerome of cheating on her in front of some of their clients was a huge loss that the business never recovered from.

Jerome declared Todd’s serious demeanor of rarely cracking a joke while working never created an invitation for people to continue to see them.  The customer never felt welcomed with Todd.

The accusations continued as a litany of mistakes were revealed between the two men.  It was a pathway through the past of how they created a failure.  The commonality of the two men was they were hiding behind how they were right and the other person was wrong.

Being right and the other person is wrong is a perspective hides the judgment that maintains a fear we will be found out by others and in this case the fear of being exposed that we are inadequate seems to resonate.  Both Todd and Jerome are quick to point the finger at on another yet maintain a defensive position that does not allow them to see their own self’s actions.  It is all talk with no listening.

Sadly if Todd and Jerome dissolve the business and start anew it is very likely they will create the same mistakes again because they did not do two crucial things.  They were not willing to see how they created the situation and were willing to admit that they were wrong.

There is release or a freeing feeling if you can admit that there is a possibility that you are wrong.  In Todd and Jerome’s case they learned early that making mistakes opened them to criticism and shaming.  Acceptance and love from their parents depended upon them being accomplished and successful (even as children).  So they associated admitting weakness to being unloved or being rejected.  However in doing so they created a judgment that vulnerability is a weakness instead of an openness to see a different point of view.

Admitting we are wrong opens us to the possibility to see our mistakes.  What most people misunderstand about mistakes is it is nothing to feel ashamed about.   Making mistakes is an important part of the learning process.  If Jerome and Todd could begin the process of seeing how they created their business from their errors (and even laugh at them) they could see how learning from our past mistakes can free their entire lives in so many ways.  They could have a different outcome than one hundred steps of blame that lead to tragedy.

By Bart Sharp

Love is brutally honest. To experience love with another unravels us to reveal our true nature from sensuality, fears, inspirations, transgressions etc. If we allow love to unfold us we will show all of that to another and see that in them as well. Love can be beautiful and scary.

To hold another in intimate love for a long time requires one to see their partner without judging them: to see your lover’s mistakes, pains and victories as a part of the whole. Just as equally important is to be seen fully by another is such an exposing light.

It takes self-caring to be honest in how your lover’s actions makes you feel without condemning your partner in some way because love is about learning to accept another within your own self. At the same time it is not a sacrifice of you so they can have their own process. They have to face themselves alone in some way with your support.

If we build with honesty, allowance, respect for ourselves and for the other as well we nurture a place for the heart to be expressed and the ego to be opened for transformation. The ego holds all of the rationales that create separation from love. Heart-shared love is an ongoing process of processing and letting go of the conflicts life presents and the ego interjects into.

By removing the layers around our hearts we see the depth that we are truly made of, a partner can reflect this and expose it even deeper. When two hearts can reveal themselves this deeply to each other love opens like the universe shared with two souls. Relationship can be bliss, honesty, pain, vulnerability and back to love, the nectar of the gods.

By Bart Sharp

I like to entertain the thought that being in love at the age of 50 or above is a more powerful kind of love than young love.  A lot can be said about the merits of young love in it world of freshness, naivety, physical beauty and hormones as the world has traditionally focused on that era of romance.  Purity is a wisdom that comes from the lessons of introspection, completion and experience.  Of course this article may show the younger audience what they have to look forward to.

If someone can love at age 50 requires them to resolve their guilt because they have made almost every mistake in the book by then.  If they are still willing to love openly again like the innocence of your love a huge forgiveness of self and of others must occur.   Otherwise the weight of those unresolved and unforgiven parts of us will kill any ability to reveal ourselves deeply that is required in mature love.

Love is too heavy of an experience for cynicism, it can severely wound a heart.  Time will always tell us that our freedom requires us to learn the lessons that regret presents to us.  Maturity guides us.  The only blame that cures is looking at our own faults to uncover where we went off the path, then we can find our way back to the richness of loving us. Then another.

To be refreshed in our own hormones and the joyful vitality of loving someone over 50 it is required to let go of our resentments.  The anger that have has complied deep inside and layered our libido to create a stalemate inside must go.  Loving over 50 requires us to unfold our pains and expose them to the light to be free of our past and our life force of sexual energy flows freely from the genitals up to our heart.

What we learn from aging is vulnerability, a softer side that opens to the world. Knowing we will be protected by our wisdom we go more naked into the world.  In that defenselessness we are more of an invitation to receive love of all kinds and see it in its multiplicities of expression.  We can cherish life in all of its moments.

We have seen so many kinds of fear by age 50 we know it is not real, so why buy into it?  Anything depleting is created in a lie.  Love always fills and replenishes.  With maturity we know how to nurture love so that it stays alive.  Each stage of life can be honored in love, loving relationships and heart filled romance.