By Bart Sharp

When we are in a home environment where were we are continually made to feel lesser than, belittled and/or abused the child experiences toxic shame.  Toxic shame can happen in many forms from an alcoholic neglectful parent, abusive father, dominating siblings and many more.  The child is taught early own to compromise their own identity and self-worth in order to fit into the dysfunctional situation.  Below is a story of one of the ways toxic shame is created.

Some children may feel underneath others; their brothers, sisters and friends.  They desperately want them to be liked and played with.  There is something of an intrinsic value that this needy child could not identify in them selves that makes them feel separate from others.

The needy child seeks this unknown quality in others through winning their approval and attention.  This child would even compromise them self in order to get attention.  They would play the subservient role in order to form friendships with others.  In the end it is a dis-satisfying relationship and reinforces the belief that something unknown is still lacking in this child with less.  They are seeking an internal gift that none of their siblings or friends could give to them.

In the beginnings of an infant’s life when the parents receive their child into the world they can look at the child with love and excitement, through that transference occurs.  The baby is given a flame of love.  It is an energy that comes within the mother and father and through their caring, love and hope.  The gift is then set to grow.

The flame gives the child strength and an inner well-being.  A spirit evolves inside to explore and thrive.

If the infant is brought into the world without the gifts of love and kindness the child interprets this as their own fault.  A conclusion is drawn that there is something wrong with them.  Not on an intellectual level but something deep inside is wounded.  The inner flame is not nurtured and built upon by the parents.

There are many aspects of this gift the parents have for the child.  Some children are literally unwelcome, others are loved but the parents are not fully committed to be a mother or father.  Some parent’s carry significant wounds themselves so there is less presence in caring and loving to give to the infant.  The baby does not comprehend these aspects they sense the deficiency inside the parents and take the blame on them selves.

When a baby comes into the world they are the essence of joy.   As they grow into infancy the happiness that they are is an expression of love that is close to divine and at the same time innocent.   It is the child’s gift that they have to give to their parents and the world.  It is healing for the parents to receive their baby, as they can be inspired of this pure love that they once were.  It also reaffirms to the infant or child that they have value, giving them encouragement to share of them selves out into the world.

If the child is not acknowledged of their gift of love and are not affirmed something begins to sour. They eventually begin to buy into their parents beliefs that the world is not a magical place.  The child believes that they are not magical.  The flame inside falters and the child begins to believe in the adult world of a lack of love.  Most importantly the child feels shame that they were incapable of making a difference.

By Bart Sharp

There was a study several years ago on a group of parents that abused their children regularly.  Each of these parents were given a surrogate sponsor parent who accompanied them when they were with their children.  These surrogates were not to monitor abusive behavior of the parents or report them.  The only function of the sponsor was to nurture the parent when they began to become stressed such as negative emotional state of anger or rage. They would hold the parent until their needs were met then the parents would proceed about their day with their children.  In all cases there were no incidents of abuse reported.

I find this very important information in that we are triggered to commit other behaviors that we would rather not do.  Unfortunately we are compelled so strongly that we do it anyway and regret it later weather it be an abuse, addiction, compulsive shopping, rage expressed, shaming self and others.

When we feel we are impulsive to act on one of our undesirable behaviors the first step is to stop and preferably find a quiet place.  When we find a place to calm feel what is occurring inside of your body.  By observing within in a calm nurturing way the trigger will change.  We find the places that are stressed in our body that the trigger is reacting from.  When we get to that core place (I find most of mine in my stomach and my heart) and observe it everything that is stimulated from the trigger will begin to change (I literally feel the fears in my stomach calm down).  It is the beginning of it not having power over us.  The more that we observe these parts that are stressed we may begin the see the fear that created it as well.  Our job is to perceive them, not judge them and nurture.

The shadow is an equally important part of us to the persona that we hold in the front and show to the world, it is equally a part of our personal power.  The shadow is the parts of the past that have been suppressed or unrecognized.  It can also be oppositional to the image of us that we actively present to others. We live in a duality of our life of light and dark and our power goes to both places.  As much energy as some project out to the being they wish to actively present in the world the we supply the shadow side an energy as well.

Psychologist Carl Jung, creator of the shadow concept said,  “The Shadow must always have an avenue to be explored and expressed otherwise it will come out in a more animalistic way.”  The evidence of the shadow in an animalistic expression would be someone attacking another in a ‘road rage’ incident or beating his wife whom he loves yet cannot control his expression of anger.   It would be easy to assume that there is anger suppressed and unresolved in these attackers that suddenly comes out when triggered.

The expression of the shadow comes out in other ways than direct aggression.  Some may be passively expressing the aggression, obsessed, have addictions, depression and other behaviors.  It is our psychi’s way of using a behavior to not feel the suppressed parts of us AKA the  shadow side.   However, the unresolved pains of our past that are the creation of our shadow are the driving energy of our dysfunctional behaviors.  An important ingredient of resolving our negative behaviors is knowing how the creation of our undesired patterns is an expression of our shadow.

The more that we can look into the stories of our past and see the dynamics of how we created our shadow sides we can begin to integrate these parts within us so our life feels more whole.  We begin to see the shadow part that once came forth as intense, destructive anger is now a strong energy that can firmly advocate for a cause or tell another “No” in a firm way that no longer requires a physical force to back it.  Or someone who is addicted may come to terms with their shame so that now they have more self-esteem.  Though their awareness of  how they created themselves as feeling lesser than the humility that they have is an heart opening that opens them to be more aware of others and confront their addictions.

When we suppress an experience we often do so because it is too overwhelming and/or we do not have the tools to process the information.  When we judge the situation as bad because it is unbearable; a part of our self splits apart from us on an energetic level creating the shadow.  This memory separates as a sub-identity from us, as it is a part of us but exists as a wounded side of us in partial integration.   This is why after a traumatic experience we do not feel whole and a part of us incomplete.  All of this could be avoided if we could process this experience and reconcile it within us beginning in our childhood.

The shadow remains as a submerged part of our consciousness holding a anguished part of us hidden away in a suppressed state.  This past energy is not totally passive. When we encounter situations that are similar to the suppressed experience the behavior recreates itself in the image of the past emotional trauma that we originally had.  So we feel the same past intensity as the shadow part becomes alive and sparks the body to relive the sensation again.  Most people react in a negative way when they feel these old memories not knowing it is from their past.  For many they are reliving these past tape loops time and time again.  Worst yet, they judge something is wrong with them resulting in re-traumatizing themselves.

It is important when we encounter a situation that we feel distress and know that it is unreasonably greater than the present stimulus we may have memories of our past influencing us.  It is important not to react in a fearful way or judge us but to perceive the sensations occurring in our body.  When we observe what is occurring inside of us we begin the process of uncovering and dissolving the fears and energies that surround this past memory.

By paying attention to the uncomfortable sensations in our body be begin the process of identifying the body memory of our trauma.  Next ask your self what was it that stimulated the trauma to reappear.  It may have been a thought, comment or place that is associated with a past experience.  I find that people will often represent others that I have had unresolved conflicts with whose memories are stored away.  When I feel these emotions in my body I ask, “Where is the source of this from?” or “Where did this come from?”  Often a vision or short message comes up into my body, not from my mind that will let me know where the stress originated.

The more clarity I have with the situation where the suffering originated I can recall the event.  By identifying our self and the others in the event we can begin the process of forgiving our self and others.

When we experience events in life that overwhelm us a part of our psychi splits apart from us.  The trauma of the memory of the event is too much for us to hold in our body and/or we are unable to process it.  An example would be someone who is physically abused, the pain and suffering of the event creates the separation as a part of them begins to exist outside of themselves.  However the anxiety does not completely leave the body only a part of their persona.  However, the anxiety is directly connected to the split-shadow part of the person.  When the abused person encounters someone or thing that they associate with the abuse their body recreates the memory from the anxious wound of the split part of themselves.

In my work I help the person identify the trauma in their body, trace it back to the incident and identify this shadow part that has separated from them.  Once the split self is found it can be easily re-integrated back into the body.  Then the uncomfortable sensations immediately leave that once existed in our body memory.  More importantly the person feels that part of their life is whole and the fears that the original trauma has created in the person’s life disappear.  The split part re-energizes the body with a part of its innate intelligence or being that it has not known since the original incident.  The re-occuring patterns of anxiety, anger, guilt that are unconsciously created from that specific trauma go away.

The shadow is reintegrated more fully by realizing the suppressed traumas in our body.  When we become more aware of all the unconscious parts of us and the shadow becomes an inner strength instead of a undesirable part of us.  In addition, the fearful parts of the suppressed memories are no longer there giving us subtle and not so subtle negative messages about ourselves.

Without an aggressive or fear based shadow the joy that we all innately have becomes a regular aspect of us.  We find it easier to move forward in all parts of our life.