The Power And Art Of Listening

The Power Of Listening

By Bart Sharp

A quality that I have read about former president Bill Clinton is his the way he empowers others in his own ability to listen.  What occurs is that Bill gives not only his undivided attention to the person but also transfers the message that he sincerely cares about them.  This same message has been conveyed by various people that they felt heard and supported by the former president in the conversation.  It was always not what Clinton told them but how he listened to them that made the difference.

The art of listening has components that that are acquired skills such as; maintaining visual contact, posturing your body to the talker, facial expressions, commenting at the right interval to acknowledge that you are listening.   I have been with professional listeners, such as counselors that are skilled in all of the above listening qualities but sometimes I feel their intentions to listen with a deeper caring are sometimes amiss.

I know someone who hears every word I say but I do not trust him in a conversation because it always feels that he listens in order to speak his point of view.  The self-interested listener is common in our culture.

The ingredient that everyone expressed about Bill Clinton was they felt he genuinely cared about them.  This was not conveyed in his message but how he received them.

One of the most powerful qualities that we can put forth in listening is our presence.  It is being as present with our intention to listen and being totally aware within ourselves while we listen.  What is required from us to be totally aware within us is an acute clarity of being present in our own body, a part of us is not out thinking about another topic such as an argument we had earlier or on a deeper level still existing in a childhood trauma that has been left unresolved for years.  For each event in our life that is left unresolved we leave a small part of us there and our ability to be totally present is diminished.

When I meet someone who appears to be complete within them an intensity comes out of them that is directed fully to the listener.  I met Dee Pak Chopra at a book signing.  I was the 753^rd person whose book he signed but when he turned his head up to return my book I felt he saw me deeper than most anyone.  It felt like every bit of his attention went directly into my eyes as they met in an instant.  In that moment I knew what totally present was about.

If you are someone who has much unresolved trauma in your life it does not mean that you couldn’t be totally present in a moment?  What it requires of you is a more intense focus of energy.

If I feel like I am not in my complete listening mode I make sure I place my attention in the lower abdomen area of my body.  It is where I can pull up energy into me that allows my ability to listen to remain at a maximum level.

One of the ways that the listener can make the speaker feel secure and heard is by being in a state of non-judgment through out the conversation.  When we judge what the person is saying we begin to create a distance them and us even if our judgments are aligning with theirs.  A judgment always takes us in a place of being less present.  If we judge the listener negatively we will most likely match the judgment in some way with our facial expression.  Even if the person talking does not consciously pick it up they will do so unconsciously, so they may not understand why they trust you less they just know they do.

When we judge a part of our awareness goes into the reality of that judgment and all of the other judgments that we have made on that aspect.  For example, if we judge the speaker is disgustingly rich our attention begins to go to those previous judgments that we have made concerning that kind of person.  Before we know it we are functioning in that judgmental world instead of being present with the person talking.

The more we can be totally present with another person we venture into their world at deeper levels, beyond conversation or intellect.  Awareness is beyond words.  Presence can also entail feeling what the person is emoting while talking and seeing into their world as if you are walking in their shoes.  We can all empathize so intensely present with another that our body literally feels what it is to be like them.  In addition we can connect so deeply, as they talk about their distress we feel the emotions and where it is in their body.

This power of observation conveys to the speaker through its action on some level.  It is a great gift we can give because the person feels heard.  It is perceived as caring and kind because we do not judge them.  It does not mean that we are in their boat or taking on the responsibility of their situation, it is a message that have heard them and they are not alone in the situation.

Aloneness is created when we feel unheard and isolated, a good listener can communicate that the person is not alone by being present with them.  It is often the illusion of feeling alone in a problem that creates desperation or powerlessness.

When I listen I know it is important to be aware of my body.  I pull my energy into my lower abdomen, open my heart, experience the sensations that occur in my body and avoid thinking or processing.   The thoughts that I need to process will come up naturally, it is more important to feel than think when listening.  When I feel it is more of an attitude of perceiving and that opens up my whole body to experience the conversation.